The Five Stages of Grief When No One Likes Your Stupid Facebook Post

1. Denial— The first reaction to no one liking your facebook status is denial. You mutter through clenched teeth and sweaty palms, “It’s only been 2 minutes…2 hours…um…2 days…maybe no one saw it. Surely they’ll like my 500 word essay on America’s crumbling infrastructure or my duck face or me surfing or the cat meme that was popular in 2010.” You wait, you keep hitting refresh…but the likes never come. In this stage individuals believe Facebook is somehow broken, or cling to a false, preferable reality that the internet is  temporarily frozen.
2. Anger — When the Facebook user recognizes that the denial cannot continue due to the internet being frozen, or that all your Facebook followers have been engaged in a two week nap- they become frustrated, especially at their garbage Facebook “friends.” Certain psychological responses of a person undergoing this phase are: “Eat Shit, Mrs. Popular“; “Should I kill myself?”; “I should eat this entire bag of chocolate chips…” and finally, “I’m not leaving the house this month.”
3. Bargaining— The third stage involves the hope that the Facebook user can avoid the cause of grief: an unliked Facebook status. Usually, the negotiation for getting at least one like is made in exchange for a repost of the same, tedious, post. In this stage, Facebook users often start to lash out with passive aggressive responses on their friend’s posts. Noted examples: “See how easy it is to like something?” ; “Funny how I ALWAYS remember to like your stupid posts” or the more direct, rage-filled approach, “Fuck you. You think you’re soooo great with all those LIKES? Jerk!”
4. Depression — The following thoughts start to fill the Facebook user’s mind: “I’m such a loser, why bother with anything? Maybe I should just write, “I’m dead” on Facebook and see if that gets any likes…” Please note: more than one unpopular Facebook user has done this and sadly that status was liked more than any of their other statuses only cementing the fact that no one likes them. Incredibly tragic.
   During the fourth stage, the Facebook user despairs at the recognition of their inability to attain any Facebook popularity. In this state, they may become silent, never posting. While their social circle is glad for a break from hearing from their shut-in, depressed, cat obsessed aunt, or doofus Trump supporting hillbilly cousin for one minute, they don’t know that their aunt or cousin is somewhere hiding in a closet.
5. Acceptance — More realistic thoughts start to flood the Facebook user’s mind: “I can’t fight it, no one likes me on Facebook”; “I’ll just go back to what I used to do: Web-Cam girl eats Mac n’ Cheese Then Naps; and I made good money at that too, not like stupid Facebook.” In this last stage, Facebook users embrace an inevitable future: life beyond being unpopular on social media. Popular people on social media may run into the unpopular people at the store or some place, and are met with a typically much calmer and introspective individual, capable of saying when the popular Facebook user says, “Did you see what I posted on Facebook? My son graduated top of his class!” and instead of seething jealously and saying “Big stupid deal, jerk-off” the unpopular Facebook user that’s worked through the five stages can finally say, “That’s nice” however insincere it may be. Isn’t that great? That’s real progress.