When it came to dating in New York as a 30-something, which is 87 in lady years, Carly Spindel, vice president of a matchmaking company could never find a date. She isn’t a model, after all. And let’s face it ladies, this is 2017, men want models or nothing. It doesn’t matter how ugly the guy is, or how much of a creep, they all feel they deserve models.
All of them.
Last December when Carly met Dan after leaving her weekly support group, “Short Ladies Who Totally Aren’t Models and Should Live Under a Bridge Like the Trolls They Are” it was love at first sight. Well, almost first sight. Dan threw up when he saw Carly for several minutes, only having dated 6 foot tall blonde underwear models. Dan also wasn’t entirely sure Carly was a human female and approached her with caution, fearing she may be some type of rodent-human hybrid that slithered out of Central Park. She was really short and a brunette, after all. Carly just wasn’t something Dan was used to seeing on his Instagram feed of imaginary model girlfriends who would never fuck him but he fully thought he was in a relationship with. He was understandably confused seeing a real human female in the flesh.
“I could have anyone I wanted,” Dan says as if trying to convince a judge and jury. He’s now 40, an Upper West Sider with a full head of hair, both legs, both arms, and a set of working lungs, “I mean look at all I have to offer.” Dan looks uncharacteristically introspective now as he flexes his bicep and adds, “Sure, I met some nice people, but fuck that, I went for the hottest girl I could find. I mean what am I? Not the best looking guy ever? What would my bros think if I dated a 7? I mean, come on.”
When Dan asked Carly out, he was getting tired of dating attractive people who incessantly said things to him like, ‘Dude, you’re a real dick and treat waiters like crap. It’s over.” Dan knew the women saying these things were clearly suffering from attractive people syndrome (click link to see study done on attractive people) and it had nothing to do with him.
Dan remarks, “Carly is a softer beauty, someone you can take home and cuddle with, even put a bowl of water down for and some kibble instead of spend money on fancy restaurants. And she’s 5-foot-2, so she can’t be a runway model, but the cool thing is I think she’s part Leprechaun since she’s so short she might have magical powers. When she grants me my wishes I’m going to ask for a 6 foot tall blonde underwear model. Leprechauns are friggin awesome, bro.”
Clearly, Carly has her reservations about Dan too, “He’s also no model. At all. Look at him. He looks like the sad old dude who hits on 18 year olds at a frat party. I used to date only attractive guys, but I’m getting older so whatever. Dan will do.”
Dan and Carly both know they’re getting a bit long in the tooth and think settling for less attractive people is in their best interest. “You don’t want to be the first to leave the party, but you don’t want to be the last either, I mean who wants to wake up in bed next to a fat girl?” Carly and Dan exchange an awkward laugh and look down at their phones.
Carly looks up and adds, “I think the really important thing is we’re both just terrible.”