I Like To Play Fetch With My Cat…Which is Just Me Throwing Stuff Followed By Disappointment

Greetings fellow cat-walkers, I’m thrilled to be teaching Organic Earth Pet’s new cat walking class! My name is Sunshyne, and this is my cat: Chief Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg. A word of warning before we start: training cats to walk on leashes lends itself to mountains of ridicule. Mountains. This class is not for the weak. My ex-husband, a marine, told me I was a delusional moron to try to get this program off the ground. But I showed him!

So, how was I inspired to start this class, you ask? One day I was playing fetch with my cat, Chief Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg- I named her that because I wanted her to feel inspired to be all that she possibly can. She’s so goal oriented! Many people don’t realize just how ambitious cats truly are. Oh..oh no, hold on-

Kitty, no! Chief Justice Ruth Ginsburg! Stop hissing at the other cats. Don’t you bite me when I pick you up! Oh, you are just the worst bully! Now that you sit on the Supreme Court your ego is FULLY out of control!

Ugh. Sorry, she can be a real handful. Anyway, I decided to teach her to walk on a leash. After many months, which felt like dragging an Easter ham on a rope, we finally made some progress around month 18 when she stood upright the first time. We spent every summer night being laughed at by neighborhood bullies. They called us a host of terrible names: Lady and the Ham, Hippie Potter and the Chamber of Cat Abuse, and Cat Woman: but you know, the Human Garbage One…

You want to hear the worst part? It’s one thing to name call, but the constant throwing fire crackers at us? It almost killed Chief Justice Ruth Ginsburg. She’s 20, for God’s sake.  That’s like 107 in cat years! And the final straw was when they all started dragging canned hams on leashes in front of my house. At one point, there were 8 teenage boys dragging canned hams walking down the street, dressed as me! Well, that’s when I had it and decided to buy a light a shock collar. And like magic, she was walking on the leash! No, it’s not inhumane. Don’t judge me.

I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.

— beth loves cake, so (@bourgeoisalien) May 9, 2014

Some of my neighbors called animal protective services, but once I explained to them what I was trying to accomplish, and after two court dates, I finally won my case. I approached the bench to thank the judge but he told me I was a hippie idiot and I was probably high on the disgusting essential oils I was covered in. I’m sorry, but 8 drops of Patchouli is far from covered. Oh my god-

Kitty! Chief Justice Ruth Ginsburg! Are you OK? Breathe baby! Oh, no…oh no…ok, time for CPR again, open your mouth honey! Are you breathing? Ouch! Stop biting me! Let go of my lip! Light shock…NOW

She’s OK…she’s OK. Thank God. I also use the shock collar to resuscitate her and to release her teeth from my person. I don’t like how some of you are looking at me. You try and take care of a 107 year old cat! The insulin shots alone are bankrupting me.

What advice can I give you as the top expert in the area on cat walking? Patience. Love.  Medical marijuana. And, as a last resort, a shock collar. It’s a long, harrowing experience that takes commitment. Question: Out of the 5 of you here, who feels like they have the 2 years of diligent work it will take to get their cat trained to walk on a leash? Who here can take the two months of taunting from teenage boys? Who here is willing to risk divorce for devotion to walking your cat?

Wait…seriously…no one?

Fine. But it’s going to be YOU who suffers, and MORE importantly, your cat. Go on, leave! But, I’m going to keep your deposits. I’m not hurt. Genius is rarely appreciated in its time and I’m no different. Van Gogh never sold a painting in his life, and apparently I’ll never be appreciated for the fine art of teaching cats to walk on leashes.

Kitty! C’mon, Chief Justice Ruth Ginsburg, let’s go play fetch. Don’t you hiss at me…