One Mother Asks: I Only Let My Son Play With Wooden Toys, Why is He Such a Douche?

hippie mom

Melanie Trotsky from Beaverton, Oregon raised her son with wooden toys, no TV or video games, a vegan diet, and yet somehow her oldest son, Cole, still managed to become an enormous douchebag. She grips her cup of organic silver needle tea with both hands and looks thoughtfully out the window, “I just never thought Cole would go that way. We raised him in the Waldorf school, backpacked through Europe in the summers, and never let him near a mall. And his best friends, Falcon and Finn are exactly like him…”

Melanie continues, “The thing is, and I don’t know where he gets it from, but he has this elitist attitude about everything and won’t talk to people who aren’t exactly like him. We didn’t raise him that way. At all. We told him that although other people make poor decisions and let their children go to public schools, have screen time, and eat food that isn’t locally sourced and organic, we should feel sympathy, not ostracize them.”

Melanie holds an 8 quart jug of kombucha she brewed at home, pours some in a mason jar as she continues, “I spent his entire childhood telling other mothers why everything they were doing was bad, and why my way is better to help them out of their self-imposed ignorance. I’d even have Cole put down his wooden toys for a few minutes to explain to the adults he knew why he thought their lifestyle was an offense to his liberal sensibilities. He was so kind to try and help them. I just don’t know why he is so judgmental and mean to people who aren’t like us now. ”

I asked Cole to comment on what his mother said, but all he would say was that my clothes weren’t made from organic fiber, my iPhone wasn’t the latest model, and that he could tell I wasn’t a vegan, he then simply rolled his eyes and left the room….

Melanie is visibly upset. She picks up her worry beads she bought on her trip to Turkey last summer and adjusts herΒ Sweaty Betty Om Yoga Pants, “You see what I mean? I noticed those things about you too, and it was hard for me to speak to you, but I pushed through it. I didn’t “judge” you…. I just don’t know why Cole is such an enormous douche.”

240 comments

  1. I think we do all know this woman! It’s always so humorous to me how people can preach positivity and the like and yet be so negative and judgmental towards others who aren’t exactly like them.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Reading and enjoying comments. Although I too love to hate people like Melanie, I wonder if my loathing is equally judgmental. I find it better to laugh and smile, remembering that I too can be self-righteous (and perhaps secretly superior about different things). Also, are their fewer people who take themselves that seriously out here near Philly? Not sure, but I do notice most yogi friends have a very good sense of humor. In general, there is perhaps too much cynicism here. Although there are pockets of people who take themselves absurdly seriously and set themselves apart, in general being grounded and interactive socially with all types is more the norm.

      Liked by 2 people

      • also- I don’t hate people like Melanie, I just see her in myself and in my circle of lefty liberal friends. we can be unintentionally sanctimonious. everything I write is also satirizing myself…

        Liked by 3 people

      • I’m just as harsh on myself as I am on other people. I know I’m judgmental and self righteous in regards to the fact that I do care about how I affect other people and consciously try to not be too full of myself in this digital self-love age. I am, sadly, sometimes. Despite my efforts. In regards to the Melanie piece. I suppose it hit a chord with me, because it reminded me of my sister. She’s clueless about her self-righteousness and has no problems with putting me down, but when I dish it back at her she looks wounded. My sister, who preaches forgiveness and all the yogi talk, unfriended me on Facebook because I got so angry with her that I said I hated her. I’m not saying that was absolutely swell of me, by any means. It’s the hypocrisy that drives me wild. That somehow they never have caused any harm towards me with their passive aggressive judgement while preaching they do not judge and constantly saying to me that when you point a finger at someone, three fingers are pointing back at you. Even though, by just saying that, you’re kind of pointing finger yourself. Ok, I’m too emotionally invested in this, so I need to stop. Long story short, everyone is a judgmental asshole so don’t pretend you’re not.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Having the latest iphone is a nice touch too, by the way. That reminds me of my sister who travels to Asia constantly and preaches to the whole family about getting organic, has a sensitivity to electronics, but yet she has to have the latest iphone.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Excellent. You are parenting right. Also, make sure you tell your child, I don’t know their name, let’s just call him ‘Moon’ Please make it crystal clear to Moon that what you are doing is better than the other parents, Moon will be better for it. But not in a super ‘judgey’ way, OK?

      Liked by 2 people

  3. The parents of the Cole’s of the world have no idea that they are those parents. Largely because a specific detail or two is NOT them, and therefore, they are okay and it’s not about them. (whew!)

    Liked by 3 people

  4. Haha- I’d love to send these people packing to Cuba. I know these types hate all the bourgeois materialism of capitalism- so I’d love for these people to try living under the loving embrace of communism- like I did- al natural!

    It’s such a red, I mean- green paradise that I along with a million other Cubans got the hell out of there.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. and she thinks her son is jerk! time to look in the old mirror lady!! ~ Parenting….. that is all that this particular situation is. and just like in computing (and i am a Luddite!)
    garbage in .. –> garbage out!

    Liked by 1 person

      • So timely. My my daughter weaned her sons off the Breast and onto the t.v. babysitter. Now at 5 and 6 decided they watch too much tv so cut off the cable. Result? My 6 year old grandson insists I pretend with him that we are playing video games on their Etch-a-Sketch ‘s. I’m the girl super hero and he’s the boy super hero. He verbally describes the scenes and I squiggle the knobs for action. I’m all for giving them back their video games. Lol

        Liked by 3 people

  6. Judgment –- 2–14–2009 — from Meditations on My Mountain by J Newbill

    When I choose to judge you to your face
    And in my righteousness put you in your place
    I stand on the precipice holding a knife
    Creating a world of misery and strife
    I want you to love me in the end
    Yet think that my hate can cause me to win
    But my judgment of you is a double edge sword
    It cuts you to the quick but also the cord
    It keeps me separate in my own small space
    When God only knows there’s only one face
    For my judgment of you I only can see
    When the monster in you is also in me
    So from this day forward I choose to be free
    To recognize everyone’s on God’s tree
    With malice towards none and freedom for all
    I let my light shine and knock down that wall.

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  7. What is mini-Portland? I live in the regular-sized Portland. Does mini-Portland have less traffic? How about fewer loud-mouthed assholes on bikes who scream at drivers who are unable to read their minds?

    Liked by 2 people

  8. I don’t know her…but she raised 3 sons? all jerks? Well I raised 3 sons. ALL gentlemen who recycle and are poor as shite. no summers backpacking other countries…her entire method of upbringing made a clear distinction between THEM AND “those who do it differently than them” . From the read it feels like this lady is as high-minded as her boys.. but does not realize she is an ass. FUNNY.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Oh my goodness the article and comments made my day!!!!! Bahahahahahaha My aunt is the same way, but not judgmental. She’s a sweet woman!!! Donald trump supporter lmao that comment got me!!! Also the reply about him saying that our votes don’t mean shit really. Which is true from what I understand.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I just want to find a pretty little girl that I can screw regularly, go places with and enjoy each others company without too much unpleasantness. before the great die-off comes. When that happens, hardly anyone will be happy, vegan or otherwise. Its fine to posture every now and then but with this world and with all these self-interested people in it, it seems to be a losing battle. I wish it were otherwise. If I could change the world, I would.

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  11. A friend forwarded this to me, and I have to say, it made me smile in an otherwise shitty day.

    I used to live in Portland, and I had my first child there, and these moms are ridiculous with their sanctimony.

    Thank you for the laugh.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. I’d like to see this same article– but swap out the “granola” mom for all those hypersensitive, equally judgmental “average Joe” parents for whom I have to walk on pins and needles to try to kindly and politely request that if my kid goes over for a playdate, that she not watch TV or play computer. Because she never has, and I want to keep it that way. And that has nothing to do with me judging you, it has to do with my beliefs on how to be the best parent possible. If the other kid wants to watch TV, then she can come over another day. But surely the kids can find something else to do for 2-3 hours. This judgmental crap works both ways.

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  13. Hilarious!

    HOWEVER, what about the absentee father?? Which is probably a larger part of the reason kids like this always end up douchey. It’s a combination.

    The truth is people, you can’t deny that this granola stuff *is* really good for kids, but it’s the same as any of these elitist things — as long as it exists inside the framework of our sexist, classist, racist society, it will always result in douchiness. It’s like the entire city of Boulder, Colorado aka. the people’s republic of Boulder. And by you blaming only the mother only is like beating a dead horse. It’s the patriarchy.

    I’d like to see another piece written about the father in(?) the picture who probably works at Google making 6 figures, and only ever sees his wife and kid over his iPad and *actually* thinks that is a proper substitute for love.

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  14. Oh, this is sooooo funny! I find myself on both sides of that. I can be so in tune with all of the things we are supposed to do, be, say, and guide for our children. And we all try. But I can also be overwhelmed, tired, and give in to “all the things kids want that aren’t supposed to have.” It’s a balance, and thankfully my kid loves me either way.

    Some moms will judge you if you don’t measure up, but will also judge you if you measure up too far. I say do your best, have a sense of humor, and laugh at good satire that reminds you that none of us are perfect. πŸ˜‰

    Liked by 1 person

  15. The greatest humor is in the nuance. I’m a fan. Very good fun! And I have a blouse like the one in your photo. I keep throwing it in the Goodwill bag but then snatch it back out cuz..not sure why.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Her son belongs to himself… He has to separate from his folks… it’s natural– don’t read too much into this.. I have 3 boys.. I know!

    Liked by 1 person

  17. i tried to be that mother. it was not a good fit. the offspring are 33 and 27. they are non-douches. most of the time. i now have a grandson. he is perfect.

    Liked by 1 person

    • OK, I really don’t give a damn about what material clothes are made out of, whether or not your trucks are made of wood or if you dolls have eyes stitched into them or if your kid had its face glued to an X Box all day long! The only thing that really matters at the end of the day is whether you are an asshole or not! Just try not to raise kids that are not assholes! Simple, right?

      Liked by 1 person

  18. Great piece. But it’s not the granola and the wooden toys and the kombucha. It’s not even the mom and the son. It’s the hypocrisy of judging while sanctimoniously pretending not to judge. I’ve been in a group of engineers…in Bible study groups…in 12 step programs…and heard exactly the same line in exactly the same smug tone of voice: “Oh, I don’t judge.” Which hilariously is in itself a judgment. An erroneous one, but a judgment nonetheless. We all judge. It’s not a bad thing. We have to judge. We can’t live our lives without judging. The object should be to do it as fairly and as intelligently as you can. And you can’t do that while pretending not to do it.

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  19. You make negative comments because she judges her son, and they both nudge you… Stop judging and just love! ❀

    Like

  20. Ohhh, I met this woman back in 2004. Her kids had wooden toys alright. Handmade even. She could check off all the granola check list requirements you could imagine, and she was still a massive, spoiled rotten, entitled Ass . Shiny new car, 300 K house. Organic food at the ready…and bored to tears, evidently. I guess judging other moms on MDC wasn’t enough of a hobby for her .

    She was cheating on her husband with some dirty biker & telling her husband she was coming to MY house for play dates as a cover for her , uh, ” Play Dates “.

    I was Super glad for That little ‘ friendship’ to be done and over with.

    * subscribing on Twitter – I love your style ! *

    Like

  21. I moved to Orcas Island and oh man I have never felt such judgment in my life! I am literally surrounded by these types. Not that being any type is bad but I seem to get more passive aggressive attitude from them. It’s good to know I’m not alone even if I’m trapped on an island with hipster Hippie snobs.

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  22. Loved it – thank you. I live in South Africa and she is alive and well here too. She lives in wealthy suburbs. Waldorf is so last century though… πŸ˜‰

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  23. Oooh a little self-aggrandizing humor with my morning cup. Thank you!!! (My morning cup of home-cold-brew (decaf!) sipped while children peacefully reading wordless books and coloring with beeswax block crayons (from our captured and then released wild bee colony and mineral pigments harvested in nearby woodland clearing.)

    Liked by 1 person

  24. As I read this I suspected that there was a bit of SELF satire going on here, and it’s nice that the author has confirmed this. Whenever we see these sorts of behaviours in others, it doesn’t hurt to take a look at ourselves too, just to be sure.

    Liked by 1 person

  25. I’ve always had dogs instead of kids, and I can tell you from personal experience that “dog parents” can be exactly the same – or much worse. Elitist about training methods, dog food choices, and origins. My favourite recent encounter, while at the local park with my mutt: I passed two very pretty dogs and said “what pretty Windhounds” (that’s a new designer breed which my neighbour has) … was promptly admonished by the couple walking these dogs that THEIR DOGS were not “recent designer dogs” but “SALUKIS, which are the OLDEST dog breed in the WORLD, which go back 8000 years”! So funny, that it could matter to have a DOG with an 8000 year history of “purity”! (By the way, as a vegan who often finds other vegans tiresome, I really enjoyed your satire.)

    Liked by 1 person

  26. well, this is hysterically funny and all the more so because it’s so true to life – but the underlying truth here isn’t left-or-right but human – humans have and are identified by and driven by values – values evaluate; they discriminate between “in” and “out”; between comparison and contrast; between “right” and “wrong” – that is their purpose – we like to think we don’t have values and don’t discriminate because these things only become apparent when we meet people with different value-sets who challenge us in our “all right thinking people” ignorance (or conceit) – but ’tisn’t so – leftists used to tell similar sorts of funny stories about conservative Christians and one branch of Christian told them about other branches – this is classic tribalism – doesn’t mean it’s wrong, doesn’t prove who is or isn’t right (that depends on correspondence to reality) – it does mean we’re all human – and it reminds us that kindness and respect are values that work out in various forms of social courtesy, ways we can disagree (i.e., affirm out individual identity) without being disagreeable (i.e., denying others their own identity)

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      • HMMM, I know some people close to this, but honestly not too many like this in Las Vegas, NV. I think they are more the other way, plastic! Some parents don’t even bother with the kids, they worry about how they look and how to keep young looking. It is sick! I do not hang out with people at either extreme.

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