Woman Leaves Her House, Instantly Regrets It

Gainesville, Fl- A woman left her house on what appeared to be a normal Monday. She told a local reporter, “I knew I had to go buy a few things at the market for several days, but put it off because I’m not really a “people person.”  The woman, who prefers to remain anonymous, remarked that leaving her house can be “a total shit-fest.”

Upon walking out the front door, the woman said it sucked immediately when the neighbors she hates that seem to “always leave their house at the exact same fucking time. I mean…what is that?” were standing right in front of her. “I then had to smile and wave, so gross…and these people have plastic flowers in their yard year round-seriously, what the hell is wrong with them?” Greeting others is something that causes her great discomfort due to her naturally antisocial disposition. She remarked that “the drive to Trader Joe’s was OK, I guess,” but she then added: “I was also filled with dread going over the entire list of people from my past I could possibly run into there while I drove….”

A tragedy occurred at 11:35 am when despite her best efforts avoiding eye contact, she saw an acquaintance from her past examining the bananas, who she would only say, “is a real douche bag.” Later, she the told the reporter who eventually got the local woman to open up about the mysterious man looking at bananas at Trader Joe’s, “Here’s the thing, he’s an asshole. He’s this “performance artist”- a fucking performance artist. Ugh. He made a GoFundMe a few months ago where he yelled at people to give him money and he’s like 50- do these jerks EVER learn any manners? I mean, I love art, truly…but does he have to be such a condescending twat? I just wish people were, you know…nice..” The woman looked thoughtfully in the distance and then took a bite out of her Trader Joe’s big cookie.

The woman did make it safely home, but when asked about leaving her house, she shook her head and said with some indignity: “I just instantly regretted it….”



  1. Me to my wife: “I have cabin fever, let’s go something.”

    Wife: “why?, Fine, okay.”

    twenty minutes later after leaving the house

    Us: “Let’s go home.”

    We are the same, Beth.

    Liked by 1 person

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